Finished

I only feel relieved.

New to me

We recently got a new-to-us vehicle and a new-to-me computer. I am struggling with being ok with having older things, even if they don't work as well as newer ones would. I wish the car had side-curtain airbags. I wish the computer had a faster processor. But they are still better than the ones they replaced. And far better that the things that most people in the world have. I was raised always wanting the newest and best, not that I always or even got them. But that was the goal. A "new" car was always better and more exciting than a used car. I don't want to feel that way but it isn't easy to change.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was good but more stressful than I had hoped. It sometimes surprises me how hard family can be, even when it really shouldn't be like that. I hope that Christmas won't be as bad.

Almost done

Well November and NaBloPoMo is almost over. Pretty sure I won't do it again since it really wasn't what I wanted this year. I put stuff up just for the sake a getting a post done and it really wasn't worth it. I plan to finish it this year, no sense it quitting now. But it just wasn't worth it this time.

Turkey!

Rain

Funny how some days cold rain and wind feels like torture, and somehow some other days it feels refreshing...Not sure that's a good thing though.

November

I just realized that I never managed to get my calendar changed to November.

So I decided to just wait until December. I could have handled skipping the actual month itself as well...

Overwhelmed

I do Ok during the day when I am busy and I just have to keep moving because there is no other alternative. But when the last student leaves and it is quiet and still I become completely exhausted and overwhelmed. Preparation for the next day seems impossible. Even to simply collect all of the bits and pieces I need to take home feels like a major challenge.

Sunday

Nothing to say. Sundays seem to be the most difficult days right now. Working on a hypothesis about the reasons for that.

Long month

I forgot how long November becomes when trying to blog every day. This year I really haven't done a good job of posting anything interesting. I think that considering how the month has been otherwise I should be pleased that I have made it this far, even being boring.

Geese

Today on the way to word I saw the largest flock of geese I have ever seen flying over. It was awe inspiring for me, that huge number of animals traveling together and working together in the air. They take turns in the front you know. These weren't in one large V but were grouped in a couple smaller V's with some just grouped together like they had just taken off. It just took my breath away and made me immediately think of God and how grateful I am for his amazing creation.

Arguments

I get so tired of politics and all of the arguing. I am convinced that it doesn't matter how much or little a group of people agrees on they will always find something to argue about. Even a small town with completely homogeneous religious, political and cultural views can be divided about something small like where to build the new school. It can completely tear apart a community. And I think it is ridiculous! People apparently by nature have to exist in a "them" and "us" world. The more diverse the overall population, the more diverse the group that can be included in "us". But we have to have these groups and we have to argue and fight and disagree with "them". And if you argue with me too much I will move you from being an "us" to being a "them". And I just get so tired of it. Really, really tired...

Sick

I'm sick, and I'm very tired of being sick. I'm not quite sick enough to stay home from work, but just sick enough to make it difficult to get through the day.

Animals

I love having animals in my life. They bring my such joy and comfort, I really can't imagine living in a no-pets home.

I love that when I come home there is always someone who is glad to see me. I love watching them play and fight and run around like crazy. I love that when I am upset they all come and lay near me (or on me).

I know that is a large responsibility, and a sometimes large cost to keep animals. But in my life it is so worth it.

Today

Today is a better day, the sun is brighter. It is easier to do what needs to be done.

Not easy, but not as hard as it was.

Faith is hard.

Inside

I don't feel awake so much as I feel not asleep. I want to stay inside all day, not go out into the over-stimulating world. Interacting with people wears me out, it takes all of my energy to do it right. Have to control facial expressions, tone of voice, reaction time, everything. When I start to wear out I get crabby, short with people, I cut people off and talk to much. Interaction is always harder for me than it seems to be for other people, but even more so at times like this. I'm having a hard time imagining how I will make it through the holidays.

Healing

The problem with starting to heal is you can see where you want to be and realize how far away you are. When you are in the middle of it you can't see much of anything it is easy to feel it isn't so bad. So many things need to be done and now I see them. I feel like I am wrapped up in a think layer of cotton balls. Nothing is quite right, moving is difficult, small tasks become gigantic.

Almost forgot to post!

Posting

Finding it hard to post everyday for NaBloPoMo. I always feel like I should have something interesting, entertaining or at least cathartic to say if I am going to post. And usually when I think of it I don't have much to say. And I am so busy that I'm amazed I haven't missed a day yet.

Sick

Think I might be getting sick, no energy, sore throat, congestion. No coughing or fever yet so I can still go out in public...

Quiet

I have been contemplating the value of quiet today. Sitting in a room full of quiet people, working and concentrating. I almost never feel peaceful surrounded by people, but somehow when they are all desperately concentrating on the test they are taking and completely silent I find it very restful. I know that the students don't find it very peaceful. They hate taking tests and they hate being quiet.

Last night I was thinking of the other value of quiet, that of knowing when to stay silent. A friend was venting to me about a lot of very difficult and frustrating things in her life. I kept coming up with things I really wanted to say. But every time I would stop myself long enough to ask whether what I wanted to say would really be helpful for her, and almost every time the answer was no. So I didn't say much other than appropriate "I'm listening" noises. But I think that was the right thing to do.

Intolerance is one thing, Idiocy is another...

Alarm went off for a hour's worth of snoozes before I managed to drag myself out of bed. I will end up eating breakfast at work. Looked on Facebook from force of habit and saw someone posted a link to a YouTube video trying to convince people that Obama is a Muslim. I really get tired of this. The first thing I don't understand is why it would change anything if he was, other than him having lied of course. The people making these videos don't agree with his politics anyway, why would they agree any less based on his personal religious views. Secondly there is absolutely no reason to think he is a hidden Muslim if you really look at the factual information. I just get really tired of scare tactics and propaganda.

Monsters

The purple monster follows me. Has for most of my life. Most of the time he hides in the shadows, banished from the light of my life. But always watching, following, waiting for the moment he can pull me back into the darkness with him.

And once the darkness surrounds you it is somehow possible to find friendship and comfort in that purple monster. To wonder how you lived without him for so long. To cling to him and not want to change anything that might separate you again from this cuddly monster.

But he is a monster that will devour you, while claiming to be your friend. It is impossible to see it while in the darkness with him, but those still in the light can tell. They notice the changes but rarely say anything. Most don't see the monster himself. Even the few who have their own purple monster in the shadows either choose not to see him or choose to stay silent. Until he has devoured so much that he is becoming you and you are becoming him. Often they only speak of it when you have clawed your way into the light again, and then in vague past tenses.

For some reason this time I can see him coming, I can feel the darkness closing in. What is different from all the times before I'm not sure. But even knowing it is happening doesn't make it easier to escape. The lure of old comforts is strong, the monster seems friendly. And it is so much easier to slide back to it than to fight my way out.

I think most people have some kind of monster. Not all the purple kind I'm sure, some have yellow, red or green. Some live in constant company of their monster, never breaking free but not being devoured either. Some have managed to permanently banish their monster, so only a memory remains. Some tease their monster, daring it to return, to carry them away. There are probably some people with no monsters at all, although I don't know how they got that lucky. And some who don't realize that comforting friend they depend on is a monster at all.

Tired

I'm so tired every morning, doesn't seem to matter when I went to bed or how long I slept. It's like swimming up through an ocean to try to get myself alert and ready to do much of anything. Showers help, but if it is really bad I just end up standing there under the water. Just standing. Almost like sleeping on my feet. Until I am awake enough to actually get ready for the day.

Morning

Morning comes too early, even when it is clear the sun is already up. The animals are all ready to go and wonder why we mumble and move slowly. Coffee is a gift from a God who loves us. And the breakfast muffin is a gift from the husband who loves me. Eyes bleary I will make my way through the barren reaches to my destination where I will be so much too busy to be tired.

Idea

I had a wonderful idea for a blog this morning. I planned to sit down and write it during lunch. It was witty and clever. And then I had 18 things to do during the 19 minutes we get to eat. And I almost forgot entirely to post my blog entry for the day. And now I don't have the faintest idea what my wonderful idea was.

This feels like it should somehow be a metaphor for my life but I can't quite get it to work out right...

Quandry

As some things get better others get worse. As one person heals another becomes ill. As one person finds a job someone else loses one. One big cycle, can't get ahead but maybe can't get too far behind either.

Singing

They keep singing. I don't know why. It isn't very good or even terribly relevant. It's like someone put a tiny broken jukebox inside of everyone.

A year...

It really feels like more should be different since I did this last year. The things I was concerned and frustrated about I am still concerned and frustrated about. I am not any further, and more mature or any closer to my goals. All I managed to do was get a year older.

NaBloPoMo

Going to try NaBloPoMo (http://www.nablopomo.com/) again this year. See how it goes...

Catching up?

So yesterday I stayed at work for almost 11 hours but I finally saw the light of day through the piles of papers to grade. This morning I skipped the gym to come in early. And I am finally feeling a little less behind.

Unfortunately I am still not feeling great physically. I just haven't felt good all week. Which my students have decided means I have swine flu...even though the symptoms are really not all similar to the symptoms in influenza. To a 17 year old right now anyone sick with anything must have swine flu.

We have also implemented procedures to keep the flu (which as far as we know no one has) from being transmitted at school. So we have hand sanitizer by every door. And spray sanitizer for all of the desks, chairs, etc. and sanitizing wipes for the computer keyboards, mice, inside of the laptops, the phones and whatever else we feel should be sanitized. And we are keeping the windows open to allow for air flow in the classrooms.

But then we have to remember to close and lock every window before we leave, after we have sanitized every possible thing in our classroom.

sigh...

The paper chain on the wall says only 18 more days of work before it is summer...

So busy, so tired

I know this isn't new, but I am so busy and so exhausted...

I am just trying to make it through to summer at this point.

Trying to wade through the pile of grading that just keeps growing.

Trying to keep going to gym even though the last thing I want to do right now is get up at 5:30 in the morning.

Trying to keep some control and perspective on the food I eat, when I eat, how much I eat, and the fact that all I really want is ice cream and comfort food.

Trying to ignore the physical stress symptoms for the most part.

Trying to figure out how I ever became the guardian of 3 fish tanks full of fish...

Trying to ignore the fact that it is beautiful out there and I am in here.

Trying not to think about the piles of laundry and dishes at home.

Trying to figure out how I get to this point every year, no matter how hard I try not to.

Trying to plan final exams, and write reviews and keep the academic rigor up even though all the students want to do is go outside.



Trying to figure out how my desk got this messy.

I always tell my students that the clutter on my desk reflects the clutter in my mind, so they should be careful of asking me complicated questions when they can't see the top of my desk....

Slogging through

I've been so busy and then I've been sick for the past 4 or 5 days. I just feel like I am slogging through life. I get done just enough to make it to the next day, but never enough to get ahead. I didn't get done anywhere near what I should have over my spring break, I spent most of it in bed sick. My husband has been the same, working full time and going to school full time. And now that I am back at work I am still fuzzy and groggy from the cold and the cold medicine. I have time to work but I can't focus enough to be very effective.

I know it will get better, but it is tiring and frustrating right now.

Busy

For the last 3 1/2 weeks I have been so busy I haven't done laundry, much less blog. I started working out with a group of people from church every morning, and following a more strict diet than I would normally do. Both of these things are extremely important, but they also take up quite a bit of time. I went from my life being pleasantly crowded to crazy-busy.

I have not really had any trouble sticking to my Lenten fast. I have not broken the fast at all and I have only been tempted a few times. I have not been very good at the focusing/praying/etc part of Lent, which is really the whole point.

I need to find ways to de-stress my life, I just don't really see much that I can give up. I spent Tuesday nights hanging out with my Grandma. I could stop doing that, nothing is locking me into that activity but it is important and I don't know how much more time I will have with her. I am on a Board that is important to me, it is only 1 night a month and I can't really give it up for awhile and then go back to it. I would basically have to give it up forever. I can't give up my jobs, because we need the money and there really isn't anywhere else to cut out of our budget. Luckily I just have to make it through 8 more weeks and then it will be summer. I will go from crazy-busy to crazy-bored.

Short...

I have long posts in my head and no time in the past few days to write them. But I also have a few little things so I''l just post them quick.

1. Thanks to K.T. Ace for the extremely insightful comments. I may have to write entire posts to respond, you brought up so many things for me to think about.

2. Still going with the Lenten sweets sacrifice, not doing so well with the reading/praying/meditating, I plan to work on that this week.

3. On Sunday the pastor mentioned how he can tell whenever someone links to the church in their blog and he enjoys going back and reading what people write about the church. My immediate thought was to wonder how many people would now purposefully put a link in their post just because he mentioned it. I apparently am one of those people. (http://www.substancechurch.com/) Hi Pastor Peter!

More on Lent (this might be a theme for while...try not to get bored)

[First, I just started twittering so I added a widget thing to show my tweets :)]

I addition to making my Lenten sacrifice and I am also trying to do an additional bible reading/study every day during Lent. And since I am normally very bad about reading my Bible it does seem that it should be easier to do more than I normally do. I do read my Bible, but I am more likely to read it like a novel that to really study. I pick it up and start reading through a book (old testament usually) and get sucked in and read for longer than I intended. This is usually when I lay down to go to bed and suddenly it is past when I should have been asleep. I recently stayed up an extra 45 minutes one night to finish Genesis. I get wrapped up in the story and I really don't think much about what it is saying about God or how it could apply to me and my life.

Since my familiarity with the Bible probably isn't as complete as it could be I don't think that this is really a bad thing it just isn't what I would consider "devotional time". What I don't do is read and meditate of the Word. It is actually extremely difficult for me to do that. I am very distractable and fidgety and sitting quietly thinking about a verse or passage leads to all sorts of random trains of thought that aren't really going anywhere. It seems like if I am not active about it, it won't keep my attention. I go through phases where this is easier and harder as well.

I have experienced what this type or study and meditation can be, so I can tell when it isn't working. I know when I am reading and it isn't sinking in. Psalms seems to be particularly bad for me this way. I can even read it out loud to myself and then realize my mind was on something else the entire time. I am a natural multi-tasker, most of us with ADD/ADHD are, our brain natually bounce from one focus to another. Even when I am actively doing something, like typing this blog, my mind is jumping to other things and then back. Every once in awhile I will even type a few words that go with the other train of thought in my head instead of the one I am trying to write about. Luckily for me (and whoever else has to try and read and decipher what I wrote) I almost always catch the mistake and fix it.

In any case, I find quiet difficult especially internal quiet. Holding a single though, idea, phrase, etc. in my mind and working through it, praying about it, meditating on it is next to impossible most of the time. But I keep trying, keep working on the discipline of it and keep praying for focus. This particular schedule of readings for both morning and night every day of Lent is a challenge but I know that it is only through challenging ourselves that we grow.

sacrificing for Lent

[I don't think that anyone reads my blog, so then I don't post. But obviously if I don't post, no one will ever start reading it. I understand the terrible cyclical nature of the problem...I just feel silly writing to no one sometimes...]

I am giving up sweets for Lent. I have never done any such thing before. I think the more accurate term is something like Lenten sacrifice but I 'm not sure. The idea is to make a change that focuses part of your day and/or mind on God when it normally wouldn't be. For example, whenever you would normally do whatever you are giving up you focus on God instead.

Or when someone asks you "You want a girl scout cookie?" and you are questioning the wisdom of giving up sweets at the beginning of girl scout cookie season, you think about God and why you are making that decision. That no matter how much I want that cookie, I want God more and that makes the sacrifice worthwhile. I am still kind of experimenting with this fasting/sacrificing concept, rolling it around in my mind. I decided I was going to do it before I had a really solid idea of why. It feels kind of like I am at the very edge of a very deep lake, so deep you can never really find the bottom of it. And I am just kind of splashing my toes in the edges of it.

If I think too much about the deep parts it makes me want to get out entirely. I mean, there is nothing inherently wring or ungodly about a girl scout cookie, why shouldn't I have one if I want? So far I haven't "cheated" (I don't really know what to call it even). A friend made fudge at our house last weekend and left it here. It has been sitting in the fridge all week. This morning I took it to work and left it in the office and told them I would take my tupperware back unless it was empty.

There is something about sacrifice that brings up a lot of emotions for me. Feelinsg like I should have to go without something I want. Feelings of guilt for even having so much in the first place when so many people have so little. It is very confusing and I have to sort through it just a little bit at a time or I get overwhelmed.

Lent...

Ash Wednesday is the beginning of lent. To some people that statement could not be any more obvious (as in, "well duh, of course it is"), however to many people including Christians that is something they don't know. Or maybe they heard it once but never really though about it. In any, case it is not an important part of their lives. And it has never been for me either. But I want it to be.

As Evangelicals (which I claim to be only because it sums up my understanding of God better than any other one-word term) we seem to avoid and even disdain anything that smacks of ritualism. Anything that involves fasting and observing certain days and what is that on your forehead? There is no place for anything but grace and the way the spirit is moving right now at this moment. And if the spirit says you want a cheeseburger, then I guess you better have a cheeseburger. And whatever else the spirit says at any given moment. There seems to be no place for spiritual discipline of type implied by Lent. We are also taught (usually not blatantly but through subtext) that "those people" aren't really spiritual they are just doing what someone told them to do, stand up, recite this, sit down, no meat on Fridays, whatever.

I have wrestled for a long time with the difference and the balance between ritual/liturgical practices and whatever you would call the more Evangelical approach*. I still haven't quite figured it out but I am looking at it more directly than I have in awhile. And because of that I am observing Lent for the first time. We'll see how that goes...


*which is as far as I can tell
1. Introductory worship song (optional)
2. Welcome to new people, where is the nursery, etc.
3. 30-40 minutes of singing
4. Announcements
5. 30-50 minutes sermon on whatever the pastor wants to talk about, rarely related to the season or time of year
6. prayer and blessing of some sort
7. coffee