Finished

I only feel relieved.

New to me

We recently got a new-to-us vehicle and a new-to-me computer. I am struggling with being ok with having older things, even if they don't work as well as newer ones would. I wish the car had side-curtain airbags. I wish the computer had a faster processor. But they are still better than the ones they replaced. And far better that the things that most people in the world have. I was raised always wanting the newest and best, not that I always or even got them. But that was the goal. A "new" car was always better and more exciting than a used car. I don't want to feel that way but it isn't easy to change.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was good but more stressful than I had hoped. It sometimes surprises me how hard family can be, even when it really shouldn't be like that. I hope that Christmas won't be as bad.

Almost done

Well November and NaBloPoMo is almost over. Pretty sure I won't do it again since it really wasn't what I wanted this year. I put stuff up just for the sake a getting a post done and it really wasn't worth it. I plan to finish it this year, no sense it quitting now. But it just wasn't worth it this time.

Turkey!

Rain

Funny how some days cold rain and wind feels like torture, and somehow some other days it feels refreshing...Not sure that's a good thing though.

November

I just realized that I never managed to get my calendar changed to November.

So I decided to just wait until December. I could have handled skipping the actual month itself as well...

Overwhelmed

I do Ok during the day when I am busy and I just have to keep moving because there is no other alternative. But when the last student leaves and it is quiet and still I become completely exhausted and overwhelmed. Preparation for the next day seems impossible. Even to simply collect all of the bits and pieces I need to take home feels like a major challenge.

Sunday

Nothing to say. Sundays seem to be the most difficult days right now. Working on a hypothesis about the reasons for that.

Long month

I forgot how long November becomes when trying to blog every day. This year I really haven't done a good job of posting anything interesting. I think that considering how the month has been otherwise I should be pleased that I have made it this far, even being boring.

Geese

Today on the way to word I saw the largest flock of geese I have ever seen flying over. It was awe inspiring for me, that huge number of animals traveling together and working together in the air. They take turns in the front you know. These weren't in one large V but were grouped in a couple smaller V's with some just grouped together like they had just taken off. It just took my breath away and made me immediately think of God and how grateful I am for his amazing creation.

Arguments

I get so tired of politics and all of the arguing. I am convinced that it doesn't matter how much or little a group of people agrees on they will always find something to argue about. Even a small town with completely homogeneous religious, political and cultural views can be divided about something small like where to build the new school. It can completely tear apart a community. And I think it is ridiculous! People apparently by nature have to exist in a "them" and "us" world. The more diverse the overall population, the more diverse the group that can be included in "us". But we have to have these groups and we have to argue and fight and disagree with "them". And if you argue with me too much I will move you from being an "us" to being a "them". And I just get so tired of it. Really, really tired...

Sick

I'm sick, and I'm very tired of being sick. I'm not quite sick enough to stay home from work, but just sick enough to make it difficult to get through the day.

Animals

I love having animals in my life. They bring my such joy and comfort, I really can't imagine living in a no-pets home.

I love that when I come home there is always someone who is glad to see me. I love watching them play and fight and run around like crazy. I love that when I am upset they all come and lay near me (or on me).

I know that is a large responsibility, and a sometimes large cost to keep animals. But in my life it is so worth it.

Today

Today is a better day, the sun is brighter. It is easier to do what needs to be done.

Not easy, but not as hard as it was.

Faith is hard.

Inside

I don't feel awake so much as I feel not asleep. I want to stay inside all day, not go out into the over-stimulating world. Interacting with people wears me out, it takes all of my energy to do it right. Have to control facial expressions, tone of voice, reaction time, everything. When I start to wear out I get crabby, short with people, I cut people off and talk to much. Interaction is always harder for me than it seems to be for other people, but even more so at times like this. I'm having a hard time imagining how I will make it through the holidays.

Healing

The problem with starting to heal is you can see where you want to be and realize how far away you are. When you are in the middle of it you can't see much of anything it is easy to feel it isn't so bad. So many things need to be done and now I see them. I feel like I am wrapped up in a think layer of cotton balls. Nothing is quite right, moving is difficult, small tasks become gigantic.

Almost forgot to post!

Posting

Finding it hard to post everyday for NaBloPoMo. I always feel like I should have something interesting, entertaining or at least cathartic to say if I am going to post. And usually when I think of it I don't have much to say. And I am so busy that I'm amazed I haven't missed a day yet.

Sick

Think I might be getting sick, no energy, sore throat, congestion. No coughing or fever yet so I can still go out in public...

Quiet

I have been contemplating the value of quiet today. Sitting in a room full of quiet people, working and concentrating. I almost never feel peaceful surrounded by people, but somehow when they are all desperately concentrating on the test they are taking and completely silent I find it very restful. I know that the students don't find it very peaceful. They hate taking tests and they hate being quiet.

Last night I was thinking of the other value of quiet, that of knowing when to stay silent. A friend was venting to me about a lot of very difficult and frustrating things in her life. I kept coming up with things I really wanted to say. But every time I would stop myself long enough to ask whether what I wanted to say would really be helpful for her, and almost every time the answer was no. So I didn't say much other than appropriate "I'm listening" noises. But I think that was the right thing to do.

Intolerance is one thing, Idiocy is another...

Alarm went off for a hour's worth of snoozes before I managed to drag myself out of bed. I will end up eating breakfast at work. Looked on Facebook from force of habit and saw someone posted a link to a YouTube video trying to convince people that Obama is a Muslim. I really get tired of this. The first thing I don't understand is why it would change anything if he was, other than him having lied of course. The people making these videos don't agree with his politics anyway, why would they agree any less based on his personal religious views. Secondly there is absolutely no reason to think he is a hidden Muslim if you really look at the factual information. I just get really tired of scare tactics and propaganda.

Monsters

The purple monster follows me. Has for most of my life. Most of the time he hides in the shadows, banished from the light of my life. But always watching, following, waiting for the moment he can pull me back into the darkness with him.

And once the darkness surrounds you it is somehow possible to find friendship and comfort in that purple monster. To wonder how you lived without him for so long. To cling to him and not want to change anything that might separate you again from this cuddly monster.

But he is a monster that will devour you, while claiming to be your friend. It is impossible to see it while in the darkness with him, but those still in the light can tell. They notice the changes but rarely say anything. Most don't see the monster himself. Even the few who have their own purple monster in the shadows either choose not to see him or choose to stay silent. Until he has devoured so much that he is becoming you and you are becoming him. Often they only speak of it when you have clawed your way into the light again, and then in vague past tenses.

For some reason this time I can see him coming, I can feel the darkness closing in. What is different from all the times before I'm not sure. But even knowing it is happening doesn't make it easier to escape. The lure of old comforts is strong, the monster seems friendly. And it is so much easier to slide back to it than to fight my way out.

I think most people have some kind of monster. Not all the purple kind I'm sure, some have yellow, red or green. Some live in constant company of their monster, never breaking free but not being devoured either. Some have managed to permanently banish their monster, so only a memory remains. Some tease their monster, daring it to return, to carry them away. There are probably some people with no monsters at all, although I don't know how they got that lucky. And some who don't realize that comforting friend they depend on is a monster at all.

Tired

I'm so tired every morning, doesn't seem to matter when I went to bed or how long I slept. It's like swimming up through an ocean to try to get myself alert and ready to do much of anything. Showers help, but if it is really bad I just end up standing there under the water. Just standing. Almost like sleeping on my feet. Until I am awake enough to actually get ready for the day.

Morning

Morning comes too early, even when it is clear the sun is already up. The animals are all ready to go and wonder why we mumble and move slowly. Coffee is a gift from a God who loves us. And the breakfast muffin is a gift from the husband who loves me. Eyes bleary I will make my way through the barren reaches to my destination where I will be so much too busy to be tired.

Idea

I had a wonderful idea for a blog this morning. I planned to sit down and write it during lunch. It was witty and clever. And then I had 18 things to do during the 19 minutes we get to eat. And I almost forgot entirely to post my blog entry for the day. And now I don't have the faintest idea what my wonderful idea was.

This feels like it should somehow be a metaphor for my life but I can't quite get it to work out right...

Quandry

As some things get better others get worse. As one person heals another becomes ill. As one person finds a job someone else loses one. One big cycle, can't get ahead but maybe can't get too far behind either.

Singing

They keep singing. I don't know why. It isn't very good or even terribly relevant. It's like someone put a tiny broken jukebox inside of everyone.

A year...

It really feels like more should be different since I did this last year. The things I was concerned and frustrated about I am still concerned and frustrated about. I am not any further, and more mature or any closer to my goals. All I managed to do was get a year older.

NaBloPoMo

Going to try NaBloPoMo (http://www.nablopomo.com/) again this year. See how it goes...